A Newly Elected President Tells His Country He’ll Try Not to Turn Into a Brutal Dictator

Thank you. Please. Thank you. Thank you everybody. I am humbled and grateful to be able to address you for the first time as your newly elected president. It is an honor to be the first democratically elected leader of this nation. Let me begin by saying that even though I have been given awesome power over this new and vulnerable country, I promise to do everything I can not to turn into one of those brutal dictators.

The fact that I am standing before you as the first president elected by the free will of the people, seven months after a revolution that nearly tore this country from existence is incredible. It is a testament to the relentlessness of our national spirit. But the journey is not yet complete. Because the more I think about it, the idea of being one of those all-mighty dictators turns me on a bit. I mean, I plan on trying really hard not to let this victory go to my head. But to be honest with you, it’s not going to be easy.

Yes, I know, I too see the irony in leading an uprising against a brutaldictator, only to become one myself. But could you blame me? Wouldn’t you do the same if you were given almost unlimited sway over this newly constructed democracy? How could you not capitalize on it? What can I say? I mean, our constitution hasn’t even been written yet. Do you know how tempting it is to write in a provision making it punishable by death to address me as anything but “Your All Knowing Greatness”? Do you know how good that would feel?

Plus, have you ever thought that perhaps I deserve to feel that way? I mean, God Himself wouldn’t have allowed me to conquer our previous dictator if He didn’t believe that I was worthy, you know? I’m just throwing it out there. Not that it will make a difference one way or the other though because I’m totally not going to become one of those megalomaniacal dictators. So, don’t worry.

On the other hand, I do like the job security that comes with brutal dictator-ing. It might just be me, but as a guy who’s lived in a country with 65% unemployment all his life, having a consistent job seems like a good thing. Now, of course, I’ve also outlined a series of measures that I think will get this entire country working again. But, with the way the global economy is these days, having a job that you can’t be fired from seems like a great opportunity. I’m just throwing that out there to be as transparent as possible with you.

After all, I plan on making transparency the hallmark of my presidency. It would be difficult to become one of those infamous dictators if I was being completely honest with you all the time. So, let me start right now: You gathering in our national square today in such great number to hear me speak feels a littledictator-y, doesn’t it? I’m just saying. This thing could snowball. One day you’re hanging onto every word coming out of my mouth at an inauguration, the next you’re bringing your seven daughters to my palace so they can become my wives and make beautiful little heirs to my throne. I’m just saying we aren’t necessarily off to a great start.

So just in case, let me give you some warning signs, that way we might be able to nip this potentially generations-long dictatorship in the bud: If I begin sitting on a golden throne, or if I starting wearing a golden crown, or if I begin to appear to own more gold than is necessary for one person to own, or if it becomes illegal to produce sitcoms depicting me as a goofy Dad, or if it becomes illegal to produce any sort of entertainment depicting me in a disparaging way for that matter, or if I begin anchoring all the news broadcasts, or if your family members go mysteriously missing, or if we never have another election. All of these scenarios would be indicators that I’m never going to abdicate my throne. That would be a good time to do something. Unless, of course it’s too late, and I’ve already imposed a strict 6:00pm curfew and have promised to kill anyone who breaks it.

Obviously, I understand that even the term of a brutal dictator eventually comes to an end—often a bloody one. But If I’m frank with myself, I have to admit I sometimes romanticize the pageantry and drama that would mark my eventual assassination. But let’s not even go there. There’s no need to even consider that. Because I can tell you I will do everything in my power to not turn into that guy. And if there’s one thing I know, we will come together like we always have, united as a single nation, bonding over my ongoing quest to not become into a terrible, terrible man.

Thank you. And God bless you and this fair nation.